I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
