I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
