I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
