Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
