Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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