I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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