and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
