my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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