Do you still have your period?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
