My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize