it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
