the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
