i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
