I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
