I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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