...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the condom got lost in my hair
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
