WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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