I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
