genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
