So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
