Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
