Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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