Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
