i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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