He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
