Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
