I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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