dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
