I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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