I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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