Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
