my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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