dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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