Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
