I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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