I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
