Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
When are your genitals available?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
