Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
