I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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