I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
