eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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