He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
