Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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