Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
