If i come over, it means nothing
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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