I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she smelled like a LAN party
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
