she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
