Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
