If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
