i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
