My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize