i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
