I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
