my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
