Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
