I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
