he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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