She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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