I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
