He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
