Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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