your parents love me but you hate me
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
