I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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