I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
