I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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