Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
