Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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