I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize