I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
