Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
